miliation,anger,embarrassment,sadness and a hostofother negative feelings are what I have experienced often at school. Hate is another feeling I came to know well. Hate for those who made me suffer. I have been picked on by those bigger than me(and that was most people)virtually since my first day in my new world.I tried to ignore it at first, and hoped the problem wouldjust go away.But all I did was to make myselfa victim,and that's the way it has been all through the5 years I have spent here,and the way it still is. The"buliying"did notoften involved physical violence or pain,butinstead a great deal ofhumiliation and emotional hurt,as well as a deficiency in my self-confidence.I would be insulted and degraded by others when they called me names(seems childish, doesn't it) and mocked my looks, clothes or behaviour.They had an enormous influence on my life and on the decisions I took,as I didn't want to do anything that might give them an excuse to mock me.For example, I met a very nice girl, whom I got along well with,but I didn't pursue things any further because ofthe mocking I believed I would receive because she was"too young". That is a fairly small and insignificant example, but it illustrates the way my mind was forced to work. I even used to go the long way round to somewhere if"those guys" were in the path of the route I was going to take. And I grew to hate them for the way they destroyed my dignity. All these hardships, though, have actually in themselves taught me a lot.A wise man once said that the best lessons in life are taught by the harshest teachers.He wasindeed a very wise man.I have had far more than my fair share of tough times,and I am still having them now,especially at the hands ofothers.But whatthese hard times have taught me,in a world dominated by those with physical strength, is that it is those who are mentally tough who will make it in the end.I like to believe that all those who have hurt me so much (both physically and mentally) over the years, have actually done me a favour in the long run. I have missed out on quite a few things at school, because I was closed outby"those guys".An example ofthis is thatI am uncertain ahout attending my own Matric Leavers'dinner, becauseI don't wantto spend the evening,that is supposed to be so greatforthe wholeform,being insulted and mocked by people who will become nothings once they have left school and their image is gone.These people have no re spectfor meas a human being,orfor what1 have achieved, but I do see myself as being superior to them, because 1 know I have achieved in the one area that really doescount when it comes to the end of the year, academic results. I have experienced first-hand the worst in human natures, and have had to learn to cope with whatever they can throw at me,and thus have becomea greatdeal strongerI(wryly) thank all those who have contributed to this learning proc ess, but also warn them that revenge is sweet. I seem to have made it sound as if I only had bad experi ences and leamtnegative lessons in my stint at school.But this is definitely not so. I have learnt some of life's great est lessons, and have experienced some of its sweetest moments.I have leamt the enormous value oftme friend ship,and whatcamaraderie really is.I have grown to know some tmly wonderful people,people thatI hope to have as friendsfor the restofmy life.These are people thatI would do almost anything for, who can turn to me in times of trouble,and who I hope I can turn to ifI need help. My education is something that I think is very important to me,but it is not all that I have leamt at school. I have leamt about sport, socialising, real listening, talking, and perhaps the most cmcial one of all: I have leamt to know myself.I know who I am,and whatI am,and why I am.I know whatI like and whatI don't,and why Ido and don't. But most importantly of all, I have leamt to be more in control of myself and the course of my life, and how to change an aspect of myself if it is necessary. School has had its ups and downs for me just like any thing,butI feel I have come through it having leamt a lot, and grown a lot, and hopefully having shaken off the last of my naivety! I'm sure I will look back at school and my days there and remember the good times and maybe even wish to relive some ofthem.But asfor now,all I can say is that I'm counting the days until the end, when I can get a shot at a new life and hopefully never become a victim again. ROSS WILLIAMS,Form6 CHARACTER STUDY He was a man that 1 once feared,once loved.In the years when maturity was a fantasy and life a game,he was ever present, ever near. At that time his kind yet guiding hand lay firmly over my life. His promises and wisdom fascinated me and my con fidence and trust in him were complete. His power over me was unsurpassed;a dictator,in a friendly sort of way. However,as I grew in years,the mles set down seemed to be unnecessary and I questioned hisjudgement.In retalia tion he changed his loving hand to an instrument used to keep control. His quick, helpful guidance quickly turned to force. He was to be obeyed, not questioned orjudged, he was master and this was made strictly obvious.As my years turned to summer,I made my decision. I turned my back on his promises, his love, his confining, strings-at tached view of whatI should be. For all that I may have lost with my actions, it was his strict(yet sometimes correct)rule over my life that drove me away.I could no longer stand his rigid moral barriers to which I had to adhere. His complex, overbearing atti tude and constant threats of violence tore the trembling tendon and brought my love to nil. The fact that he swore he would stand by me,but was never there; that he swore he would protect me, but never showed his care, that he swore to pour his love in me, but left me shallow and so empty.The trust I had was destroyed by his betrayal, and all thatI had held dear I mistrusted,and thus I reversed his words,I did everything thatI wanted to,things I was never before allowed. Yet, as I matured, my anger at a love destroyed turned to sorrow at a friendship lost. He,however, did not seem to care-he continued as he always had before.I realised that I wanted his friendship back but,in his pitiful state oflust for revenge,he tumed his back on me. One day,maybe he willforgive me and I will forgive him, so that we may become friends again. However, even if we don't,I'll still look forward to finally meeting Him. GUY CHANDLER,Form 6 52
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